Donna Hicks is a conflict- resolution specialist who has
participated in some of the world’s most intractable conflicts such as: Israel-Palestine,
Northern Ireland, Cambodia, US-Cuba. In one such situation in Cambodia, after
hearing the painful stories of Khmer women who had been horribly violated under
the countrywide genocide, she was struck by how they managed to be joyful with
such painful memories from the past. Yet, they WERE joyful in the face of that
past suffering, when they learned of their new rights under the new Cambodian
constitution. She was profoundly moved. On reflection, she realized something
that she had intuitively known for some time. That is, “ if indignity tears us apart, dignity can put us back together
again.” At that point, she states, “Dignity became the lens through which I
made sense of the world from that point on.”
Five minutes with Donna Hicks is all you need to realize she
is “the real deal.” Yes she has five degrees, a Harvard Professorship, has
worked with presidents of countries and partners on her Declare Dignity project
with Desmond Tutu. But judging her on
those superficial facts would be, well, a violation of her dignity. It would
not be seeing her, the engaging, flawed, brilliant, yet down to earth human
being she is. And that’s what she’s trying to tell us in her book, Dignity:
It’s Essential Role in Resolving Conflict.
I had the good fortune to attend a presentation by Donna
Hicks at Regis College on 10.3.13 that was part of a speaker series called, “Threads
of Inclusion: Recognizing the Sacred in our Lives Through Dignity, Grace and
Justice.” The series is sponsored by Sacred Threads, an interfaith ministry
whose purpose is to create meaningful dialogue through spiritual conversations,
circles of reflection and programs of enrichment and growth. Professor Hicks’
presentation was just that: meaningful, spiritual, and enriching.
Hicks began by stating that, “Dignity is the highest and
deepest point you can reach. It taps into the spiritual needs of us all, deep
within our hearts, and allows the ‘holy’ to rise up.” She explains that through
her work in international conflict resolution, she learned that there was
always something deeper going on in those meetings than was reflected in the
conversations. Something that was “under the table” but very present and
quietly influencing every negotiation. She thought if she could put words to
it, they would be things like, “How dare you treat me this way? Don’t you
realize I’m a human being” and “Don’t you see how unfair this situation is?” Over
time, it became clear to her that what she was feeling- what THEY were feeling,
was about violations of their dignity. That revelation set her on a seven-year path
that resulted in her book and is now the key influence for all her work .
What is dignity, as Hicks sees it? First, it’s different
than respect, although many intertwine the two. Respect is earned, but dignity
is a birthright. It is our inherent value and vulnerability. It’s not something
that comes and goes. It is a piece of our DNA. It’s our internal barometer that
indicates how we feel about ourselves, It’s invaluable, priceless,
irreplaceable; it’s what gets upset when we are treated as if we don’t matter.
Dignity wounds do not heal with time; we have to get them out so we can
recognize them and heal them. As Hicks says, “Bottom line, dignity is what
makes relationships work.”
So what can we do to be more aware of and live with greater
dignity towards ourselves and each other? Hicks has developed 10 Elements of Dignity
which include accepting others without prejudice or bias, recognizing and
validating others for their talents and hard work, truly listening and
validating other’s concerns, creating an environment of inclusiveness, putting
people at ease on a physical and psychological level, treating others with
equality, encouraging others to act on their own behalf, believing what others
think matters, treating people as worthy of your trust, taking accountability
for your actions and saying you’re sorry when you violate others. Sounds great.
We all want to do it. But it’s not easy. Hicks herself acknowledges she is a
“recovering dignity violator” and in truth, aren’t we all? Who among us hasn’t
made an unkind remark, judged another unfairly, held back praise or given the
ideas of others short shrift because we know we are right or just too busy to
listen?
Hicks knows this all to well and names ten specific
“Temptations” we face that cause us to violate our own dignity and the dignity
of others. She reminds us to not let other’s bad behaviors determine our own. (“You
think you can yell; I can yell louder.”) Don’t lie or cover up what you’ve
done- own it and take responsibility when you’ve made a mistake or hurt
someone. Don’t look externally and to others for validation of your self-worth;
dignity is your birthright and no one can take that away. Don’t hang on to
false security in situations when your dignity is being violated; stand up for
yourself and take action. Look at yourself and examine if YOU are part of the
problem, and listen to feedback from others that will help you grow. Don’t
“blame and shame” others to deflect your own guilt, and don’t gossip! Being
critical of or sharing private information about others who are not present is
harmful, and undignified.
In the forward to her book, Bishop Desmond Tutu says of
Hicks, “She has the gift, perhaps it is her vocation, of opening to our sight a
world where those most basic of human needs - appreciation, recognition, and
the feeling of inherent worth – may be attained by all.” While that world may
be an idealized one, it’s a world I want to help create and live in. Donna
Hicks has put into words for me and countless others, what a world filled with
dignity can look like and gives us a roadmap for how to get there.
How fitting that Sacred Threads chose Professor Hicks to
kick off this powerful speaker series. As Hicks reminds us, dignity is “the
glue that connects us to each other.” Through her, Sacred Threads has provided
us with a powerful reminder of how important it is to strengthen the bonds that
dignity builds and in so doing, helps us to realize just how connected we all
are.
~Pamela Econoply
Woodnick
